Ten days before his 18th birthday, Myrna Skaling’s son was riding his motorcycle north on the Island highway towards home when a car coming south turned left into the Nanaimo Golf Club in front of him. He was killed almost immediately.

Once she got over her initial shock, at least to a degree, Myrna discovered some reading material she found particularly helpful and started calling and visiting other parents and grandparents who had recently lost a child or grandchild. She found those visits helped both with her healing and theirs.

Five years later, she saw a program on television featuring The Compassionate Friends organization, a mutual self-help group for bereaved parents. It didn’t take her long to launch the Nanaimo Chapter. This year, 2007, is their 20th anniversary year.

In 1988 when Eleanor Chapman’s daughter was thrown off her bike under the wheels of a logging truck, The Compassionate Friends played a huge role in helping her survive that terrible experience.

“They helped me focus on my grieving process in the healthiest way possible,” she told me, “and that’s so important in a society that wants us to ‘get over it and get on with it.’”

The group meets the third Monday of every month at Brechin United Church. Mainly it’s an opportunity for bereaved parents and grandparents to share their feelings in a safe place. As well as the meetings, home or telephone visits are also arranged for parents who would prefer more privacy.

No matter who is sharing in the group meetings and no matter what feelings they are expressing, Myrna says she finds everyone in the room shaking their heads in agreement. Parents who often think they are they only ones going through the torture they are experiencing soon discover they are not alone.

“It’s a tough journey for all of us parents who have lost a child,” Myrna continued. “It’s like a roller coaster ride and you can’t get off until the ride is done. However even though your life is changed permanently, the roller coast part does eventually end.”

For most parents it takes three to five years to complete the grieving process she told me and for parents whose child has been murdered, it can take from ten to fifteen years.

“Grieving is probably the most personal, and I would even say selfish thing that we do in our lives,” Myrna continued. “In order to get through the grieving process involving the loss of a child, you have to be selfish to survive and yet most of us end up being giving because when we do get through, we can empathize with the pain others are feeling.

“You can’t get over it, under it or around it,” she concluded. You have to go through it.”

Seventy percent of parents who lose a child go through some form or separation, either physical or emotional, within the first year.

Women tend to want to talk about their feelings Myrna told me while men “go out to the shop and pound nails.” That doesn’t mean that men aren’t affected, it’s just that they tend to think their way through the process while most women want to talk their way through.

Another thing that pushes couples toward separation she says is that when one is having an up day and the other is down, the person who is down tends not to express their feelings in case they end up bringing their partner down.

If you know someone who has lost a child or grandchild and might be interested in learning more about The Compassionate Friends, call 250-753-5022. The organization is also looking for “Wounded Healers”, people who have been through the grieving process and who would like to help others. They too are asked to call 250-753-5022.